As we step into 2026 — a year of fresh starts and new chapters — and following my own deep personal journey over the past few months, I’m making some meaningful changes in my life.
One of those changes is reclaiming my ancestral name.
From here on, O’Neill will be my personal name — a return to my roots, my lineage, and the parts of me that are about home, family, safety and living quietly and fully as myself.
I’ll continue to use Rachael Crow as my work name — the name that is connected to my professional offerings in the world.
This feels like an important act of integration for me- honouring both where I come from and the work I’m here to do.
The last few months have personally been some of the most difficult of my life- yes even harder than facing cancer! Mostly I don’t share personal stuff on social media (just the cancer stuff!) as I am a very private person and I can’t bear the “over sharing” culture we have become- where everyone posts their dramas on Facebook.
But reading this book, recommend to me by a trusted mentor- I realised how programmed we are – and I am- to keep quiet about ‘certain things’…who else grew up with the saying “you don’t air your dirty laundry in public”?
AND I know that by keeping quiet on certain things, things that feel important, things that need to be said- if squashed down, can lead to dis-ease.
I know this first hand!
You see my husband (yes I am still married…this is important later…) always wanted me to ‘stay quiet, not rock the boat, keep the peace’- especially when we lived in community. Later in our marriage I realised he really couldn’t bear confrontation- and so HE WAS PUSHING down his truth, his anger- himself ultimately. So what did I do…? I became the channel for his emotions…which really showed itself through my moon pause. Talk about misguided rage!
Anyway- as women we have this inbuilt programme to ‘keep the peace, not cause trouble, not to rock the boat’ and even if we dare stand up and rock the boat- we are labelled crazy and hormonal and often shamed into silence- we are not heard, not taken seriously, judged, gas lit and shamed.
And now we are living in a world where women are speaking out everywhere – in positive ways and extremely toxic ways- how do we find the balance- and when and were is it OK to speak out?
So this brings me to my ‘issue’- this sisterhood wound, which surprisingly brought up so much shame for me that I could barely speak of it to anyone. And distrust- for when you’ve been betrayed, who do you trust anymore?
So today, Imbolc weekend, I stand with Brigid as truth teller, holding her sacred sword of sovereignty, bringer of light. I stand with a thousand ancestors at my back, the Celtic warriors of my lineage and I offer my compassionate heart to the women out there who have been betrayed by their “friends”, who lost husbands to ‘younger models’, who quietly suffered while their men spread their seed in other women- and gaslit you saying they weren’t doing that- you were imagining things! To the women who believed love would fix everything.
Sometimes love makes it harder.
And us women- we are sensitive- we “know” when something has changed- we can feel that “other women” in the field.
We are not imagining things, we are not crazy- we know.
So when my “friend” and my husband (yep…still married) got together (and yes I felt her in the field -months before I was ‘told’) I was the one who felt shame – shame that after YEARS of building womens circles, women’s community- and believing that I was living in a strong community, that this had happened to me!
And of course there’s always everyone’s version of the ‘story’- and from my version- a woman who leads womens circles (yes she does this work too!) and is a mother of a daughter, should be more conscious of the sister betrayal wound, should want to set a healthy example for her child, and should have the grace and courage – and the backbone, to speak to their ‘sister’ and just check out on the whole ‘marriage’ situation before making a move on her husband?
I mean -theres an etiquette right? In my book- friends don’t get with husbands or ex’s… but hey, looks like I’m one of the few women with morals these days??
To be fair, she did offer to sit with me- after I found out, after telling mutual friends to ‘keep this secret’, after chatting with me like everything was just fine, just days before it all comes out?? And then proceeds to gas light me in texts. No thanks love.
This isn’t my first experience of betrayal- different circumstances, same outcome- and I sat with those woman, and nothing changed, they felt they were justified, in the right. So what’s the point? Sisterhood…BS.
And the husband? Marriage- the sacred agreement, that starts out in such love and happiness. Marriage that for me, growing up in a violent household with drunken parents, I thought would be impossible. that I would never tie myself to someone, never change my name for anyone…and then when a soul mate comes into your life- all that melts away.
But the guy who doesn’t like confrontation, who after 21 years still didn’t realise that confrontation is easier than the aftermath of consequences… He weakly said ‘but we were entirely separated’…
In my moon pause, and post cancer I had asked him to give me space, I found him a place to live, I hoped he would do some work on himself and find his joy again, so we could at some point either stay married and work though stuff, or consciously move on, talk though what had been beautiful, what hadn’t worked, and release one another as ‘conscious uncoupling’ couples do these days!
Except my husband, he didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’- he wanted to keep the security of the ease of our co-parenting, the financial support I offered him…we enjoyed camping trips together, celebrating birthdays and holidays together, I mean FFS, just days before I find out about HER- we are planning a holiday together… So no, he didn’t tell me he was ready to move on, he didn’t ask for divorce.
Instead they created a web of entanglement which feels strangling.
Talk about no balls. Sadly he is now having to face the consequences of losing my respect and friendship, his children’s respect and we are both having to hold them in the fallout of this situation. There are repercussions to betrayal, dishonouring and disrespect.
And to all those who want things to ‘be normal’, for me to be happy for them in their new relationship- THAT is spiritual bypassing.
The truth of this- for me at least, is that betrayal hurts deeply, it creates a ripple effect of distrust and triggers old wounds.
AND I am working through this, MY way, with the strength of a thousand ancestors at my back, with the friendship of true trusted mates who aren’t expecting me to bypass my feelings and I’m making big changes in my life.
To the women who have acted out this wound- I hope we can learn from this, I hope we can raise daughters who make different choices, I hope we can heal and apologise, and not do this to one another any more.
And to the woman who have walked this path- been betrayed by those they loved- I SEE YOU.
And I’m in awe of your strength.
You must be logged in to post a comment.